Fostering Hope...Hope I Feel I've Lost

Teaching is my job. I always knew I would teach. I hoped to nurse, but didn't pursue it. Now my sister and best friend are a few months away from living what I thought would be my dream career. I volunteer at Wolfson's every Wednesday to get my "hospital fix" and though I love it, it's not what I want. What I've always hoped for is to be a mom. Obviously I want to be married and love someone and have them love me, but Mama is my dream job. I feel like I would do just about anything to be a mom, but 21 days away from my 31st birthday. Honestly, my hope is fading. Some days I am okay, others I'm sad. 

I feel cheated and angry that I am still single because each year that passes, my chances of being a mom go down. I have been reading about adoption, fostering children and praying that God would keep me faithful to Him and focused...not on my lack of children, but on the joy He has given me. I do have joy. Some days I just lose sight I guess. I'm not sure if that's sinful of me, but that's me being honest.

If I don't get married, would an adoption agency or foster program look at me as lacking, because there's no husband to be a daddy? I think every child needs a dad. So, do I give up my hope of building character into little lives because I am not married? I have been STRUGGLING with these things. Pray for me if you're reading this. I deeply desire your prayers. Prayers for peace and fulfillment in Jesus, not in what I hope for myslef.

BrOkEn

It's midnight as I begin this post and I am in a mood. I'm mad, sad, frustrated, angry, hurt and tired. The latter is probably the biggest factor. :) I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind and heart and wanted to spill my heart onto "paper", but now that I'm typing...I can't think of anything to say.

Able

Have you ever heard the song Able by Needtobreathe? If not, you are missing a huge blessing and so I am going to paste the lyrics and highlight my favorite parts. 

There's a host of hurts we come across

None of which alike

From the air inside the birthing room
To the darkness where we die
Though I feel I'm just as strong as any man I know
I'm not able on my own
Carry round the secrets
Only heaven knows
Crawl into our darkened rooms where only victims go
Though I feel I'm strong enough to carry all this load
I'm not able on my own

All my actions, false or true

Selfish motives I will use
We were born with knives in hand
Trained to kill our fellow man
If we're not better than the rest
How will children do their best
Find your patience, find your truth
Love is all we have to lose

I'm not able on my own

Amazing Album!

Do you sometimes feel you are not worthy? I know I do. I know myself way better than anyone else and it is a discouraging knowledge at times. However, God is able to use me despite my ridiculous past choices or the guilt I allow to burden me to the point of despair. Victimizing myself was something I struggled with in the past; unforgiveness in my own heart toward myself. It was difficult to continue in my relationship with the Lord, but praise the Lord, He didn't let me stay in that darkened room. He wouldn't allow me to remain a victim. He made me victorious through His love and sacrifice. The work of the Holy Spirit overtook my pity and brought me back to my first love.

I pray the Lord will continue to remind me that I'm not able on my own. 

Should I Pursue...Pulling A Ruth

I am writing this in response (and in question) to an article I read recently on a christian website directed at singles. Should I, or any other Christian woman, pursue a man in a friendship and beyond? Is it okay to boldly pursue friendships with men? Is it my job to pursue the man in this "new day and age"? Help me out guys!

I want a man who will lead me and be strong in his pursuit of me. Would I damage a friendship or potential relationship by taking that job from him? Did Ruth?

First of all, what do we know about this woman? She is only one of two women to get her very own book in the Bible, and it was set in some of Israel's darkest days. Ruth left her homeland, dead husband and family to go to a foreign country with her MIL. Her prospects back in Naomi's homeland were slim to none- sounding a little like living in St. George...BUT I digress! :) Enter Boaz. He was eligible, wealthy and a kinsmen redeemer...winning! Naomi was not content to wait around for Boaz to take notice of Ruth, so she decided to encourage Ruth to catch his eye. She went to the threshing floor and said OT style, "I'm available".  She made her intentions known, that she wanted to get married and it worked! Now, the question is, should women follow her lead today?


The following is copied and pasted from the article: 

"The context of Ruth is that she lived in a stable society where families were involved in God's work of bringing mates together," Mary said. "In our day, we are in limbo without the structures and social supports. We don't even know if potential mates believe in marriage the same as we do. Just how courtship should be done is up for grabs. Not because it should be, but because it is."

"I see nothing in Scripture that says a woman is not allowed to express her desire; nothing that says she may only 
respond when sought after.

I've always thought that by the time Naomi told Ruth about the kinsman-redeemer system and asked her to go to Boaz at the threshing floor, she ahd every reason to believe Boaz would respond positively as we see him doing at the conclusion of the story. 

So, men of God, what say you? I would love to be married, but I feel I am jut waiting for something to happen. Do we as godly women take courtship into our own hands? Or should we wait for you to show interest in us and pursue us??

I always viewed marriage as a beautiful picture of what the church is in relationship to Jesus. He pursued us while we were in sin. As a future bride I want a man to be strong enough to pursue me. 

A Fast Fast

Yes, I know the word fast is repeated and yes, it is purposeful. I have been reading in Isaiah and stopped and hitched up my horse to chapter 58...yes, I really just said that! Fasting is something that I believe God uses. He fasted and prayed in the wilderness for me long ago and the account in Luke blows me away. We miss so many beautiful truths in this passage by breezing by it. Here are some things that stick out to me:

1. Jesus was LED to the wilderness...
   It says the Holy Spirit LED Jesus there. He was not just taking in the scenery and being awed by the amazing sunsets He must have seen. The Holy Spirit took him there with a purpose. He was to be tempted by the devil.

2. Jesus was being tested as the 2nd Adam
   Adam didn't choose obedience. He plunged us headlong toward a separation from God, but Jesus was about to show His love for me by wrestling Satan for my very soul. He would overcome the temptation and in doing so, redeem me. It's also cool that He was tested for 40 days...similar to the 40 year wandering in the wilderness by the children of Israel. Jesus would successfully do God's will as no one had been able to prior.

*I love how Jesus is God but is humbled by humanity in these verses. He is led by the HS, just like we are. He was susceptible to temptation, yet didn't. He was hungry, but trusted God to provide. He never once abused His power...which He had all along as God. Wow!

3. Jesus chose God's Way Instead of the "easy way out"
   Satan told Jesus He could have all of the kingdoms of the world. He was going to give him those things and power...but with a price. Jesus wouldn't have gone to the cross, but in the end He would not have followed the Father's will and our souls would have been damned.

*Even after the temptation was over, it said the devil left, but for a time. He will always be back. He will not give up until Jesus comes back for us.


Now back to the fasting business. Jesus fasted. He prayed and He quoted the Word. So, how should we fast? I would think modeling Jesus' method would work. He was God after all.

Many times in the course of my Christian life I have "fasted", but after really studying the examples giving in scripture I don't think I've had pure motives. I found my experiences being selfish and quick fixes. I wanted an answer, usually my answer, and I wanted it quickly. After thinking about the condition of my heart and lack of willingness to follow the Holy Spirit when things weren't going my way, I have decided to fast the right way. Biblically.

Right now, I am about to begin a time of weekly fasting. I am burdened for a loved one, seeking direction in my life as far as a career and/or going back to school and also for the man God has for me. I want to honor him even before I know him and seek God's wisdom for when I do meet him. I am excited about following the Lord faithfully as I seek Him in these important issues in my life. I can't wait to see how He chooses to work in my life and in those whom I am praying for. He is good. He is faithful and He desires to glorify Himself in my life and through my prayers and fasting. I'll keep you posted. :)

The Man I Will Submit To...

I met a girl once and she was making a list of things she wanted and expected from her future husband. It was long and particular. She was determined that he be all or nothing according to her obnoxious list. It frustrated me with her and made me pity her future husband. She demanded he serve her and be things for her that she was not being for him. Even while waiting for the person God had for her she was physically intimate with others, but wanted her husband to be a virgin. She wanted him to be patient and kind, yet she was not those things to her closest friends. Her list made me think about my future husband though and I created a list of my own. It also made me think about who I was, what I wanted to be for and to my future spouse and my list began to formulate.

The difference was it was not a list of wants and needs, but a list of ways to pray for my husband. Ways to encourage him even though I don’t even know him yet. Or at least I don’t think I do. J 

This is the list I pray over on a daily basis.

1. Have Jesus dwell in hi heart and be grounded in Christ's love (Eph. 3:17)

2. Love me and wait for me as I wait for him (Eph. 5:33)

3. He would rely on Jesus to help him (Eph. 3:20)

4. That God will establish and bless his work (Psalm 90:17)

5. That he would be a hard worker and be successful (Eccles. 3:13)

6. He would love to do good (Gal. 6:9)

7. The fruit of the Spirit would be evident in his life (Gal. 5:22-23)

8. He will put on the armor of God and stand firm (Eph. 6:10-18)

9. He would be focused and not deceived (James 1:14-16)

10. He will be an amazing father and raise our children in a godly way (Proverbs 3:12, 23:24; 29:17)

11. He will call on Christ to be his strength, deliverer and trust in Him (Psalm 18:2-3)

12. God will perfect and conform him to be the man He wants him to be (1 Peter 5:10)

13. He will have a rich knowledge of Christ and understand His voice and direction (Col. 2:2-3)

14. He will take his thoughts captive and obey God (2 Corin. 10:5)

15. His ears will hear Gods' voice (Deut. 4:36)

16. He will be bold in sharing Christ (Acts 4:29)

17. He will have health and strength (Isaiah 58:11)

18. His heart will be filled with God's love (James 4:8)

19. God will continuously encourage him (Psalm 40:2)

20. He will faithfully pray for me as I continue to pray for him (James 5:16)

The beautiful thing is...I know MY God is faithful to hear and honor these prayers. He will do these things for this fantastic man I don't even know yet. He hears my prayers and takes great joy in answering them. God is good. 

Teaching Me to Thrive, In Him Alone!

I’m 30, single and no, I am not contagious. I was overwhelmingly excited to join FBC of Jacksonville this past Sunday and I tried out my first Sunday School---which was well taught and attended. However, I am tired of feeling that I am completely incomplete without a husband. When I joined the lady helping me fill out my information asked if I had a steady boyfriend and was surprised when I said no. It is something I am used to, I guess, but also overwhelmingly frustrating.

This summer seems to have magnified my loneliness and strong seeded desire to be a Mama. I am a full time nanny and have thoroughly enjoyed playing mom from 8-5. It’s been rewarding, fun and devastating. It’s difficult to have such a strong desire to be married, share my life with someone and to have children. I want to feel the sweet stirrings of a child. I can’t wait to get up in the middle of the night and sing songs and talk about Jesus to a crying baby. My greatest hope is that I can have children, raise them in a Godly home and serve the Lord with a husband who is out there somewhere.

My dear heart, you are “deceitful and desperately wicked” and none but God can fully understand you. At the very same time, you have also been made new since the day Christ became your Lord. And so today you will be conflicted between your new nature of freedom and your old nature of bondage (to ugly impulses of worry, anxiety, envy, discontentment, anger, self-pity, brooding, condemnation, pride, selfishness, manipulation, boasting, impatience, fear, greed, dread, and worst of all—worshiping yourself above God). You will be tempted to look at every situation with temporal and not eternal eyes. You will place more value on the stuff of this world than on the stuff that will last for eternity. But you will also desperately want to do what is good and right, invest in kingdom work, make the most of the time, serve others, love selflessly, surrender to God’s will, and seek Christ above all. This conflict will rage all day long.

But your God fights for you. And Jesus stands at His right hand interceding for you. And the Spirit lives in you to empower you to do God’s will. Hallelujah! So while you fight, you may also rest. This is a mystery, but it is beautiful. Put on your whole armor, dear heart—and yet lie beside quiet streams of water.

Oh my heart, one of your besetting sins is to see your God as too small, incapable, powerless, benign, unable to meet your needs. It’s hard to hear, but it’s true, isn’t it? Your God is too small. So I strongly command you to enlarge your view of God and all that you believe about Him. Today when you are tempted to fix your eyes on your circumstances, problems, needs, and the people around you—quickly look away to your Creator, your Redeemer, your Savior, your Author and Perfecter, your Shepherd, your Prince of Peace. At this moment He is seated on a throne that blazes with fire, encircled by a mesmerizing rainbow and creatures that are beyond description, who forever cry out “Holy, holy, holy!” Yes, your God is holy, set apart, unlike any other. Why then do you compare Him to man? Why do you trust in man who is like the grass of the fields that withers away and is quickly forgotten? Trust in God! Trust in God!! Man will often fail you—your brothers and sisters in Christ, sweetest friends, family, husband, children—just as you so often fail them; so let them off the hook and place all your hope and faith in Christ! Stop having make-believe conversations with that person who has angered you—forgive them as Christ has forgiven you. Refuse to indulge in disappointment in that dear one—and instead give thanks for what God is doing! He is freeing you, He is doing you good, He is teaching you how to thrive in Him alone. He is teaching you about the cross. He is engraving the gospel on you. Stop looking down on others or comparing yourself with that other girl! Remember: “If John remains, what is that to you? Feed My sheep!”

Don’t forget, frail heart, you were made for another world. This is not your home; you are only passing through. So don’t put down such deep roots; don’t cling so desperately to what is fleeting; don’t become enamored with the things of this world. Don’t waste your short time on earth anxious and fearful; choose joy and thank your God for all He has given you today.