Accepted

I have been accepted to Southeastern Seminary, officially. I am so excited to move and begin a new chapter in my life, but a little scared. How will I pay for everything? Will I be a good student? Am I going to be successful in my new field? Will I find a job? I honestly don't know the answers to any of those questions, but I am finding that I can trust God and have faith that He works all things out. I find myself becoming overwhelmed at the lack of answers to such important questions, but I always find peace in knowing God has worked it all out already and I do no good by worrying. I have to trust Him.

Single...the story of my life

True Love Waits, but it's hard

Every great story—every story worth telling—is one of suffering and endurance and overcoming. Stories of those who faced insurmountable odds, but persevered to the end. I feel like my life is a story like that. Though I don't feel many would consider it worthy of the big screen, God considers ME worthy. As I go to wedding after wedding and receive baby shower invitations I grow a little more weary with my station in life. I am genuinely overjoyed for my sweet friends and the joy and happiness God is bestowing upon them, but it's hard to see so many receive what I long for.

I still go to bed alone and wonder how long the waiting will continue. I don’t have easy answers anymore (like I did when I was 20), but I can testify to a good God who is allowing me to suffer deeply, beyond what I ever thought I could. He is sustaining me with Himself, blessing me and giving me hope that one day He will grace me with a husband who leaves me absolutely speechless with his love and care.

My single years are sometimes unspeakably difficult. It doesn't feel natural or “right” to be single at 29, and yet I know I probably will be for several more years. I know I don’t have the gift of singleness, and while I continue to fight for contentment and joy, I am not at home in singleness.

I have to rest in knowing that He is doing what is best, even in the midst of great heartache and weariness in waiting. I see incomparable glimpses of Christ in this suffering. I have to choose joy, fight for my tender heart, nurture a hopeful spirit, and fix my eyes on Jesus,” after all...He is the only one worthy of my gaze. 

You're Smart

A student in my after school class today humbled me. He was struggling through 2-digit subtraction worksheet when several of his amigos started jabbing fun at him in Spanish and laughing. It wasn't a menacing chortling session, but I could tell he wasn't exactly happy they were teasing him. I called him over to me and asked what was going on. He was extremely reluctant to talk with me, but then blurted out, "They make fun of me for talk Mestico."

I taught this adorable little brown-skinned boy in Kindergarten two years ago. I immediately thought back to the times of frustration in my class when I felt I could not properly communicate with him. I remember awkward moments during intervention when he looked questioningly at me or moments of terror when I asked him a question during whole group time. I snapped back to the present. As I looked into his embarrassed brown eyes, I smiled at him. "Do you realize how smart you are? How many people do you know who can speak three languages? I asked. He smiled at me and I asked him how to say a million things in his language. He was beaming with pride after our 5 minute talk. He walked over to the other students who had previously been poking fun at him and said, "Miss Crews say I'm smart. I am special."

My heart soared. I thought of all of the times when I have been embarrassed by my actions or words. Moments where I had fallen and committed what I thought was an unforgivable offense. How many times have Satan and His demons laughed at me and made fun of me? How many nights have my eyes overflowed with tears and my heart been heavy? There have been many times in the last 5 years when God has come over to me and said, "Do you realize how much I love you? I love you more than anything and you are special to me." Today was a simple reminder of how much God loves me and how He speaks His love over me, even if it's just to say I'm smart.

Moving Forward

 I have been thinking that God’s love is terrible. Think of what it includes: us, with our best and our worst, with our failed attempts and outright cruelty, with our wrong motives for right actions and our right motives for wrong actions... us, with the mess we have made of the world, with our brokenness and despair, with our rebellions and inadequacies. We are the ones included in and redeemed by the deep and wide love of God. It astonishes me that Christ died for me while I was still a sinner! (Romans 5:8). Why does He choose to give me new mercies every single morning when I am wicked compared to His amazing perfection? I think God sent Jesus to pass through our world as a figure of light and truth, sometimes angry and sometimes merciful, but always just, effective and loving. His life was spent around those who drew disapproval from many, yet he was never insecure or ashamed of His desire to offer them His love and promise His kingdom. I feel sometimes that I am that undesirable. I feel like the woman who was brought to Jesus to be stoned when found in sin. It humbles me that Jesus simply wants me to hand over my life in complete confidence and simply be satisfied in Him. If I desire peace, certainty and transparency in my life I have to give Him everything. Lord, help me abandon myself, continuing to surrender my insecurities and failures. Make me see your faithfulness and sufficiency in my life each day.

Are We Being Effective?

I have been guilty before of not attending Sunday night services, or Wednesday night services, but this past Sunday night I was so convicted of "not attending just a service or two". I recently had a discussion with someone who stated they believed it didn't matter if we don't go to church aside from Sunday morning. That not going the rest of the week didn't make them any less of a Christian. Sure. But won't it lessen your effectiveness as a Christian? Couldn't just one night of missing church cause you to miss something, maybe  it could even hurt you. I don't know. All I know is, when we are truly walking with God, it should bother us when we miss appointments with God's people at church. When we premeditate and plot our misses, shouldn't that bother us?

When we think about the word Christian, it means someone who follows Christ. Which means Christians should try and emulate Jesus. Of course, we are not always successful. However, the Church is Jesus' bride. We should not view attending church services as an ugly obligation to God, but rather as an opportunity of being with Jesus and His bride! Church is important and does grow us and allow us to help others and also helps us in our relationship with God. Just some of my thoughts. What do you think?

Hallelujah, light has come

I have been listening to this song by BarlowGirl (yes I am listening to Christmas music already!) and it has gotten my mind thinking about how amazing God is and how truly unworthy I am to have a relationship with him. He came to save me, knowing what I would do to disgrace Him. I feel like I cannot get close to God like I want to no matter how hard I try lately. I am so frustrated with my inability to trust and lean on Him. I KNOW what to do, I just seem to choose not to most days. Listening to this song and thinking of My Savior as an innocent infant, and then realizing He was innocent His entire life. How humbling is that? He truly is amazing.

I was reading my Bible this morning and loved the verse in Zephaniah 3:17 I love this verse and how it expresses God's love for me. It really overwhelms me when I think of how much He loves me and how much of my sinful, selfish desires must offend Him. He only wants me to love Him. HE delights in me???? He sings over me???? His grace and forgiveness make me think about my relationships. If God almighty can forgive me and delight in me...surely I can forgive and take delight in people He has placed in my life. God you are amazing!

The Lord your God is with you,

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

The Kings

I am reading about the kings that reigned over Israel in the OT. I am fascinated with the things they were able to accomplish at such a young age and how God used them and sometimes punished them. Everything was about pride.

I find the story of Uzziah the most intriguing. He was 16 when he became king and he did a great job as king, up until the last days of his life, when he succumbed to his selfish desires=pride. Ultimately he stopped seeking God, didn't talk to Him as much and assumed he was doing a great job all by himself. Unfortunately he forgot that His God was doing the prospering...not him. He was the most powerful person in the entire kingdom as king, he could do ANYTHING. However, there was one thing he could not do, and this may be the reason he tried. He felt He deserved the honor of burning incense on the altar in the temple. Azariah, the priest, and 80 other BRAVE priest approached him and told him he couldn't do this! He was not allowed/permitted to burn incense. They called him unfaithful and a disgrace. He got all hot tempered and was getting all over them when he broke out in leprosy and was rushed out of the temple. He knew he was wrong and above all he knew the skin disease was a punishment from God.

It amazed me to see the boldness and determination of the priests to keep the Temple pure and holy. They could have been killed on the spot by command from the king and surely they knew this. However, their job was to ensure that the Temple be a place of praise and glory for God. God, in the end was glorified and took care of the prideful attitude of this king.

What's so sad is that Uzziah spent the rest of his life in quarantine and was never allowed to enter the Temple of God. He was cut off from everything. He had leprosy for the rest of his life. Even after his life was over he continued to be punished by not being granted a king's royal burial. The skin disease prohibited him from being buried in the royal cemetery. He died and was only remembered as "the guy with the skin disease". How sad is that? He did so much good. He made the country a better place. He had a strong military. However, because he allowed his relationship with God to dwindle, his great name was reduced to basically nothing.

I pray that God would humble me every single time I think I am doing fine on my own or when I feel like I've got things under control. God, never let me behave in such a way that I forget that you are God alone. You never change. You never falter. Help me trust you.