I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry...

Not only is this the title of a classic Hank Williams song, but my feelings lately. I have found myself longing for friendships and meaningful connections that just are not happening. It's frustrating to want somwthing

I Want to Cry. Like A Baby. The End.

This beautiful little girl is Anna Lucia...my perfect niece. She is crying because she is a baby and she can. It's adorable. If I could cry the way I feel like crying, not so cute. :) I am frustrated. Nothing really happened to make me feel this way, just overwhelmed and feeling sorry for myself, I guess.  I think this dreary weather, craving for a chocolate covered doughnut and in general feeling lonely just all jumped on me at once. I am at seminary, trying to follow God’s call on my life and nothing seems to be going right. I am overwhelmed and stressed about work, I didn’t do as well in one class as I had hoped and I have made no friends. I am too busy and desperately need friends to hang out with, but my schedule is so busy. I either don’t have time or just want to hang out at my house and be alone. It is an awful thing to want to have friends, but also want to be alone. I feel like I want two things at once that can't work out that way, because they're opposing. Ugh. 

I think about what God is trying to teach me and am trying to have a positive attitude and healthy outlook on life. I just want to pack up my necessities, Major and drive home to my Mama. Sad isn't it? I am almost 30 and want to run home to my parents. I know I am making a difference and that God is using me, it's just so frustrating to feel this way. Hoping for a sunny day tomorrow...literal and figuratively. 

My Past Is Forgotten: Most of the Time

Praise Him Any Way

Don't you just love it when life is great, God is speaking to you and you feel so wonderful about all that is happening in your life? I do. However, days like today come and try to discourage you and make you feel defeated. A person from your past pops up, says something negatively about you and it gets back to you. Frustrating is an understatement. I have the right as a person to call/e-mail or message that person and set them straight. If I have not brought their past up and tried to make them feel small, what gives them the right to do so to me? Then I think about how God would have me respond to this person. What would I say to them that would not tear them down (eventhough they tore me down), what should I do to allow the past to die (though they keep resurrecting it)? Pray for them. Forgive them. Move on again and allow the past to die. Again. I must continue to do this as many times as it rears it's ugly head. I have to daily die to myself, but also to the history of my life being flung in my face. I learned a new song this past week here at SEBTS called Behold Our God. The chorus goes something like this:

Behold our God, seated on His throne

Come let us adore Him

Behold our King, nothing can compare

Come let us adore Him

Adore Him. This is something I have been trying to do more. Treasuring the Gospel and treasuring my relationship with Jesus. He is good. My relationship with Him is growing and changing every day. If I am truly adoring Him I must try to find as much as possible grace for others. I have to love those who make me mad. I have to ignore things said sometimes and go to God. Will you please pray for me? Ask God to continue to grow humility in me. Thank you blogger friends. 

Boaz

Boaz. What a name, right? Not something you would name your first-born or any child for that matter. I have been reading through Ruth and thinking about my Boaz. I want someone who is strong, not just physically, but spiritually and mentally. I need someone who can challenge me and help me pursue my love relationship with Jesus. I want someone who will walk beside me and minister to the people we will be called to. I look forward to submitting to this man. I can’t wait to share my life with him, but I am not looking for him. I am waiting on him. I think there is a huge difference in looking for someone and waiting on someone. I know God has the right Boaz for me and that he will come when we are both ready. I know that God has called me to marriage and a family and I have recently been more excited about not looking for him. Waiting for him is so much nicer. I don’t have to worry about making things work or messing things up. God is doing it and he never fails. Singleness was such a burden until a few years ago. It weighed on me and stressed me out. I was overwhelmed by wedding showers and candlelit ceremonies; wondering when it would be my turn? Now as I embark on a new journey of seminary and meeting new people and finding a new church, I find myself looking to Jesus to lead me and place me where I need to be.  It’s nothing like I thought, but that’s exciting too! I am completely satisfied with who I am in Jesus and where He is leading me. It’s an overwhelming feeling to feel this. I feel unworthy, but thankful.

My First Chapel

Hands are raised all around me and I feel the stinging uncomfortable feeling of tears coming. I don’t want to cry. I am so excited to be here. Amazed that God has gotten me to this point in my journey and been so amazing in every intricate detail. It’s been a “look what MY GOD can do” journey. As the notes to a new song, Behold Our God fill the chapel at Southeastern Seminary, I am overwhelmed. I am a vile person. I have done things, thought things and said things that I shouldn’t. I have been involved in sin that makes me feel ashamed. I almost bow my head with the weight of that shame, but I remember that God has saved me from that. I am here in this place at this time in my life to worship and glorify Him. I stop the damning thoughts that Satan is whispering into my heart and begin to sing. I belong here. I was brought here. Why am I allowing Satan to make me feel any different? I feel like I am getting to the top of a hill where I am about to see over and look out over the horizon at what God has for me. I cannot wait to see where He leads. 

Faith: Not So Easy

Faith, hope and trust are words we hear almost on a daily basis. They seem so nice and innocent. Beautiful words to have on your mantle or framed above your sectional in your beautifully decorated living room. However, I have been seeing them as an extremely difficult part of my daily life lately. I have been in the transition period of moving, finding a new job and becoming a student once again. So far, nothing has worked out. I am overwhelmed, but desperately clinging to the promise that God works things out for me, because I am seeking His will in my life. I know I am supposed to go back to school. I am hoping that God has it in His plans for me to teach as well. It's important for me to be able to pay my bills and not be in debt.  However, I have not had much luck in finding a job. SO, I am driving to Wake Forest Sunday and visiting schools (resume in hand) Monday and Tuesday. Overwhelming. I am praying that my faith+action= a job. I ask you to pray that God will direct my stops and give me favor with the principals I am able to meet with. I know God has this all planned out. I can't wait to brag about how He answered my prayers! Thank you for your support and prayers.

Accepted

I have been accepted to Southeastern Seminary, officially. I am so excited to move and begin a new chapter in my life, but a little scared. How will I pay for everything? Will I be a good student? Am I going to be successful in my new field? Will I find a job? I honestly don't know the answers to any of those questions, but I am finding that I can trust God and have faith that He works all things out. I find myself becoming overwhelmed at the lack of answers to such important questions, but I always find peace in knowing God has worked it all out already and I do no good by worrying. I have to trust Him.